“Do you
know where the power lies, and who pulls the strings? It starts and ends with you,” sings Tim
Armstrong of Rancid in “The 11th Hour.” I have trouble with this, as some of you
might, too. I perfectly understand what
Tim is saying. A teacher in college, who
I didn’t particularly like, said something in class that made complete
sense. He basically stated a comparable
sentence to my opening line. He said, at
some point-usually when children become adults, around the age of 21-you are
responsible for every choice you make from then on. At some point, Mom and Dad, friends,
co-workers, are no longer your excuses.
Be who you are, own up to the good and the bad that happens. No regrets.
So stop saying, “Mom taught me this.” I’m sure she did. “It’s my girlfriend’s fault; she blah, blah,
blah.” Maybe she did start it, but, reaching
adulthood means you have YOUR OWN brain.
You know right and wrong, good and bad, beautiful and ugly. Now, I feel those who’ve influenced you
molded your first thought about, whatever.
However,
you have choices. There is always a
choice, even if it is unclear or sucky.
So
having this knowledge, why do I struggle, why do I have depression? Can’t I just say, “I’m my own, wonderful,
crazy person, and your hate towards me makes you less of a person, not
me?” Yeah. Some days, I’m on top of the world, and
nobody can stop me. That’s how I, and
you, should be every day. But…
But,
if you’re like me, you’ve had many, many negative influences, dragging you down
as a kid. So now you’re older, you do
know where the power lies, but there’s that other voice, or voices, in your
head that you need to silence before you can be you. I promise; it can be done.
I’m
different-we all are-but also I’m different in the minority kind of way. I do not go with the flow. If I see wrong, I speak up. I feel like people around me think it’s
good-until they comprehend I’m serious.
I’m
brutally honest, and it isn’t throwing somebody under the bus if A) it’s true,
and B) I’m not going out to attack. Some
of the most negative people in my life are actually members of my family. I thought, though Jason is also disabled, his
family was more positive towards his life, and therefore mine.
Nope.
I
still hear, “You can’t, you can’t, you can’t.”
So, while trying to wade through the pool of what is good for me, I also have to sift through people’s inept
judgements. Here is what recently happened. Mind you, this is a recurring topic for this
person.
Everybody
who knows me knows I want kids. Well,
soon, I’ll be 44, so time is running out.
This person repeatedly professes, however, I should not have children. The reason is not that I am getting older,
and it might be dangerous. The reason is
that I am disabled, and as a disabled person-much less a disabled couple-it (direct
quote) “is FACT that I (or we) can’t care for a baby.” How ignorant and hateful is that for somebody
to walk into my house and say?
Guys,
I’m not kidding myself; I perfectly know an infant, a toddler, a child, a teen
is not a walk in the park. But the real
fact here is ANY first-time parent(s) need help. They have questions, they need
babysitters. The other fact is this same
person will travel hours, pretty much on a whim, to assist with the
grandchildren they do have-and the parents of those kids are not disabled. Clearly, everybody can use a hand, yet I’m
the one told not to have kids. Okay. That person should, instead, spend their time
saving infants in the back seat of a stuffy car in summer, or teach proper pool
safety or something, but whatever.
Whether
I do/don’t have kids, get more tattoos or stop at my existing 20, go skydiving,
whatever it might be, it’ll be MY decision.
Maybe I’m getting up there in age, maybe this, maybe that, but it won’t
be because of some hypocrite making my decisions. Guys, this is how you should live. I always say (and if you’re not religious,
that’s fine) “If you’re trying to do right by God and yourself, and you’re not
trying to hurt anybody, then don’t give a flying fuck what other think or say.”
Just
know you’re not alone.
