I've rarely been in a place that felt like home. When I lived with my parent(s), there were a couple houses that felt good enough to spend the rest of my life in, but most places were just houses for shelter. It is the same where I live now. To quote TDG if I may, "This house is not a home." It is just another place in which I'm living.
It's a beautiful house, and everybody else loves it, but the truth is I'm a bit scared to be here. Looking at the house, our neighbors to the left are inconsiderate, and their kids are, too. To the other side, those neighbors are outwardly nice and thoughtful, but I secretly wonder if they've got some drugs going to or from their house sometimes. The guy across the street is a pervert, who only occasionally comes by to bother me after he's been heavily smoking or drinking. I don't know the other people on the block well, which is kind of weird, because we've lived in this house for over five years. The man across the alley is an ass.
Having said that, we've never been seriously robbed or harmed. Nothing really terrible has happened here. I am very thankful for that, but this is just a house; I want to go home.
The above was written a couple years ago. Nothing has changed-my husband said, after reading that, that we should move, but no further plans were ever made. However, today, we completed an application for Extreme Home Makeover, so if that pans out, I pray it will at least ease a fear or two as we’ll be living here quite some time.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Opening Up
Let’s talk honestly. Maybe some of you know I’ve been clinically depressed since I was 16. I’m in my 30s now, and the only major thing that has happened since then is I made a promise to my friends Gregg and Crystal that I’d no longer physically injure myself. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to sometimes, I just don’t do it anymore.
I wish I could explain my depression, but the truth is sometimes I just can’t. However, the fact is it’s different for everybody who has it, and there are many people who have it. It could be caused from your genes, the environment around you, all sorts of stimuli, a bad relationship, the list goes on. And most people’s depression stems from more than one situation.
I’ve been asked before, “What about pills?” I’ve tried them, and for me, they don’t work. They do at first, but here’s what happens. If I’m stuck in the same environment that caused the problem, than the pills can only do so much before I find myself taking a higher dose to compensate. Then, due to my CP, taking depression pills makes me so spastic, I just cannot function properly. After about 2 ½ weeks, I hate the pills.
I’m a firm believer that anybody can overcome depression-with the right tools. I feel, even if it is genetic, environment and activity play a huge role in recovery. However, in my case, there lies a big problem. I have three degrees from college, I am not a genius, but very smart, and I am not allowed to work because my husband receives gov assist. In the state of TX, if I receive a continuous paycheck, he gets cut off. He works part time. I am bored, my intelligence is wasting away.
Also, I hate the house in which I live. I thank God for it, because I realize I have a house to live in, but it is certainly not where I envision staying till I die. I have a write-up of that in detail-I’ll post it later.
I can’t speak for everybody with depression, but sometimes all I need is for somebody to listen to me. Maybe help me fix the problem, maybe just say a word or two, maybe just listen and not judge. I basically only have two (living) people who I really talk depression to when I need to, like this moment. One I think gets me because they are depressed, too, although they live farther away. The other person lives closer, but does not understand as well and sometimes retorts angry comments like, “It’s your fault”, or “if you didn’t…”
I feel doing so is rude and immature. Depressed or not, nobody likes getting the blame or being talked to negatively. I always thought it was just common sense-if somebody comes to me with any kind of problem, I handle it positively and with love, especially if I know said person has difficulty opening up. Roughly 65-70% of the time I tell person B my troubles, I leave more upset and crying. Why do I go back? IDK.
Also recently, my 6 year old dog, whom I had for that whole 6 years, died from something that was easily preventable. It’s been 2 months, but I’m still very sad. If anybody who reads my blogs, would like to talk to me at any time, I think my contact info is on my profile, and I’d very much appreciate the kind ear.
I wish I could explain my depression, but the truth is sometimes I just can’t. However, the fact is it’s different for everybody who has it, and there are many people who have it. It could be caused from your genes, the environment around you, all sorts of stimuli, a bad relationship, the list goes on. And most people’s depression stems from more than one situation.
I’ve been asked before, “What about pills?” I’ve tried them, and for me, they don’t work. They do at first, but here’s what happens. If I’m stuck in the same environment that caused the problem, than the pills can only do so much before I find myself taking a higher dose to compensate. Then, due to my CP, taking depression pills makes me so spastic, I just cannot function properly. After about 2 ½ weeks, I hate the pills.
I’m a firm believer that anybody can overcome depression-with the right tools. I feel, even if it is genetic, environment and activity play a huge role in recovery. However, in my case, there lies a big problem. I have three degrees from college, I am not a genius, but very smart, and I am not allowed to work because my husband receives gov assist. In the state of TX, if I receive a continuous paycheck, he gets cut off. He works part time. I am bored, my intelligence is wasting away.
Also, I hate the house in which I live. I thank God for it, because I realize I have a house to live in, but it is certainly not where I envision staying till I die. I have a write-up of that in detail-I’ll post it later.
I can’t speak for everybody with depression, but sometimes all I need is for somebody to listen to me. Maybe help me fix the problem, maybe just say a word or two, maybe just listen and not judge. I basically only have two (living) people who I really talk depression to when I need to, like this moment. One I think gets me because they are depressed, too, although they live farther away. The other person lives closer, but does not understand as well and sometimes retorts angry comments like, “It’s your fault”, or “if you didn’t…”
I feel doing so is rude and immature. Depressed or not, nobody likes getting the blame or being talked to negatively. I always thought it was just common sense-if somebody comes to me with any kind of problem, I handle it positively and with love, especially if I know said person has difficulty opening up. Roughly 65-70% of the time I tell person B my troubles, I leave more upset and crying. Why do I go back? IDK.
Also recently, my 6 year old dog, whom I had for that whole 6 years, died from something that was easily preventable. It’s been 2 months, but I’m still very sad. If anybody who reads my blogs, would like to talk to me at any time, I think my contact info is on my profile, and I’d very much appreciate the kind ear.
Got Ink?
08-31-07
Going home on the bus a while back was interesting. We had gone to lunch to meet a friend of mine who I haven't seen in, oh, about 3 years or so. I missed her so much, so it was an awesome start to this beautiful holiday weekend. We got to catch up on stuff, and we all stuffed ourselves on good food, too.
I wore very short sleeves today, so all 6 of my tattoos showed. When I transferred to the second bus headed home, a woman, who I don't know, began telling me that she just didn't (couldn't) understand the mentality of someone who got something permanently marked on his/her body. My explanation was such: "My tattoos all mean something very specific and emotional to me. I could never get one just because. Having a tattoo signifies a powerful change and/or memory in my life." I said something like that anyway.
Her question to that was, "Why can't you just take a picture, keep a scrapbook, decorate your house... with that memory?" Of course I believe everybody is entitled to his/her own opinion, and I respect every thought, but I felt like she couldn't or just did not want to understand. I didn't want to go into full detail with her, not to mention, I didn't have the time, but, yes, all of my tatts mean something very special; I wouldn't have them otherwise. In order of when I got them, here goes:
1. Blue and Purple Crucifix-This is the only one which also has specific placement. On my inner forearm just above my right wrist vein, this signifies my faith in God. It was, by far, not an instant fix, but it is a reminder that I am loved. In my early teens, I was diagnosed clinically depressed, and it only seemed to get worse through my twenties. I never thought I'd make it to 21-I had it planned to kill myself by slitting my wrist. I still get depressed easily, but I'm over hurting myself for it.
2. Devil Tweetybird doesn’t have as much meaning, but still. Tweety is cute, loyal, funny, and sweet, like me, not to mention he’s my favorite Looney Toons character, but also I can be a devil sometimes, too. My husband drew it also. He’s on my left bicep.
3. Phantom Mask-Erik's Phantom of the Opera mask means more than I have the words to explain. I always get word block when trying to tell people how I feel about POTO. Has anyone seen any of the movies, read the book, etc? His character-the Phantom-is a genius, but a genius driven mad. It's sad. Each version of the movie varies, but he has a kind of love that just... Ugh, I feel like I'm not doing this tatt any justice. It sits on my right bicep.
4. Purple Dolphin-A guy I respect but don't know anymore told me about dolphins signifying freedom. This tattoo is an emblem of my freedom from the past. It also leads in to #5.
5. Green QFF around my dolphin. QFF stands for Quest for Freedom, my first novel, which I'm trying to get published. I give people many synopses, but what it basically boils down to is a man's fight for freedom. (Much earlier, I posted the QFF synopsis on here if anybody'd like to read it.) Because tatts 4 and 5 are so close together, though, people mistake them for one.
6. Red Rose-My connotation of a red rose is unconditional love, mind you, I'm not exactly sure where I got that, but that's how I feel. I possess the attribute towards my loved ones, and I hope somebody does for me, too. This rose has a black bow tied around the stem to also give props to my Phantom, which it is beside as well.
Wow, try telling all that to a woman on the bus in about 12 minutes. I, for sure, am getting 2 more, but I don't know when. My next tattoo? A four leaf clover for the Irish in me…
(Picked up writing this second half later)
7. 4 Leaf Clover-My clover is beautiful, and it does signify my Irish decent. The Irish bus driver loves it, too.
8. BC Cross-I really can’t remember if this one is 8 or 9, but the BC stands for Blue Collar (Tattoo Shop) where we’ve gotten most of our work done. Even when the guys were at the other shop, we had them tattoo us. They are great friends, so on their first year’s anniversary of opening their own shop, it was only fitting to get their logo. I’m one of them now
9. Lightning Storm Cloud-Again, 8 or 9, IDK; I’m almost definite that this one’s 8-I got them mixed up. What person holding a name like Weather Witch shouldn’t have one of these, right? For the real WW, Eric, whom I write about often; maybe you know him? I hold the deepest love for my guys. Unfortunately, it’s on the back of my right shoulder, so I don’t see it much.
10. Stabbing Westward Logo-It’s about time. Why’d it take me so long to get one? Stabbing Westward has only been my favorite band since 1995. I cried when they broke up. My tatt, however, is black with red highlights instead of just white, but I couldn’t be happier with it.
11. Blue Dragon- Remember Quest? Yeah, I finally got the dragon I’ve wanted for about seven years. This one, though, has a slight twist. You only see half his face and a set of claws. The other half is indented under my skin to signify the dragon within. My first book had barely been published when I got that. This tatt is on my right thigh, as, I believe, it’s my largest one.
12. Princess-My husband calls me Princess, and he’s been getting in to drawing ambigrams lately, so… My tatt has a crown over the word-it’s made of stars, which I love, and they’re even blue, green, and purple. This tattoo has to have more meaning for me, though, than just because my Honey says it. Let’s face it, ladies; when your Hon’s mad at you, for any reason, does he show much affection till things are back to normal? Hopefully, but… I mean, you hope they obviously still care, but if you’re like me, you still need to hear it sometimes, especially when things aren’t going well. I got this tatt cause he drew it, and, yes, I am a Princess. It’s on my left shoulder, across from my WW.
13. Gothic Girl-A cute little goth girl holding a skull is on the right side of my right leg below my knee. If you know me, do you need further explanation?
Going home on the bus a while back was interesting. We had gone to lunch to meet a friend of mine who I haven't seen in, oh, about 3 years or so. I missed her so much, so it was an awesome start to this beautiful holiday weekend. We got to catch up on stuff, and we all stuffed ourselves on good food, too.
I wore very short sleeves today, so all 6 of my tattoos showed. When I transferred to the second bus headed home, a woman, who I don't know, began telling me that she just didn't (couldn't) understand the mentality of someone who got something permanently marked on his/her body. My explanation was such: "My tattoos all mean something very specific and emotional to me. I could never get one just because. Having a tattoo signifies a powerful change and/or memory in my life." I said something like that anyway.
Her question to that was, "Why can't you just take a picture, keep a scrapbook, decorate your house... with that memory?" Of course I believe everybody is entitled to his/her own opinion, and I respect every thought, but I felt like she couldn't or just did not want to understand. I didn't want to go into full detail with her, not to mention, I didn't have the time, but, yes, all of my tatts mean something very special; I wouldn't have them otherwise. In order of when I got them, here goes:
1. Blue and Purple Crucifix-This is the only one which also has specific placement. On my inner forearm just above my right wrist vein, this signifies my faith in God. It was, by far, not an instant fix, but it is a reminder that I am loved. In my early teens, I was diagnosed clinically depressed, and it only seemed to get worse through my twenties. I never thought I'd make it to 21-I had it planned to kill myself by slitting my wrist. I still get depressed easily, but I'm over hurting myself for it.
2. Devil Tweetybird doesn’t have as much meaning, but still. Tweety is cute, loyal, funny, and sweet, like me, not to mention he’s my favorite Looney Toons character, but also I can be a devil sometimes, too. My husband drew it also. He’s on my left bicep.
3. Phantom Mask-Erik's Phantom of the Opera mask means more than I have the words to explain. I always get word block when trying to tell people how I feel about POTO. Has anyone seen any of the movies, read the book, etc? His character-the Phantom-is a genius, but a genius driven mad. It's sad. Each version of the movie varies, but he has a kind of love that just... Ugh, I feel like I'm not doing this tatt any justice. It sits on my right bicep.
4. Purple Dolphin-A guy I respect but don't know anymore told me about dolphins signifying freedom. This tattoo is an emblem of my freedom from the past. It also leads in to #5.
5. Green QFF around my dolphin. QFF stands for Quest for Freedom, my first novel, which I'm trying to get published. I give people many synopses, but what it basically boils down to is a man's fight for freedom. (Much earlier, I posted the QFF synopsis on here if anybody'd like to read it.) Because tatts 4 and 5 are so close together, though, people mistake them for one.
6. Red Rose-My connotation of a red rose is unconditional love, mind you, I'm not exactly sure where I got that, but that's how I feel. I possess the attribute towards my loved ones, and I hope somebody does for me, too. This rose has a black bow tied around the stem to also give props to my Phantom, which it is beside as well.
Wow, try telling all that to a woman on the bus in about 12 minutes. I, for sure, am getting 2 more, but I don't know when. My next tattoo? A four leaf clover for the Irish in me…
(Picked up writing this second half later)
7. 4 Leaf Clover-My clover is beautiful, and it does signify my Irish decent. The Irish bus driver loves it, too.
8. BC Cross-I really can’t remember if this one is 8 or 9, but the BC stands for Blue Collar (Tattoo Shop) where we’ve gotten most of our work done. Even when the guys were at the other shop, we had them tattoo us. They are great friends, so on their first year’s anniversary of opening their own shop, it was only fitting to get their logo. I’m one of them now
9. Lightning Storm Cloud-Again, 8 or 9, IDK; I’m almost definite that this one’s 8-I got them mixed up. What person holding a name like Weather Witch shouldn’t have one of these, right? For the real WW, Eric, whom I write about often; maybe you know him? I hold the deepest love for my guys. Unfortunately, it’s on the back of my right shoulder, so I don’t see it much.
10. Stabbing Westward Logo-It’s about time. Why’d it take me so long to get one? Stabbing Westward has only been my favorite band since 1995. I cried when they broke up. My tatt, however, is black with red highlights instead of just white, but I couldn’t be happier with it.
11. Blue Dragon- Remember Quest? Yeah, I finally got the dragon I’ve wanted for about seven years. This one, though, has a slight twist. You only see half his face and a set of claws. The other half is indented under my skin to signify the dragon within. My first book had barely been published when I got that. This tatt is on my right thigh, as, I believe, it’s my largest one.
12. Princess-My husband calls me Princess, and he’s been getting in to drawing ambigrams lately, so… My tatt has a crown over the word-it’s made of stars, which I love, and they’re even blue, green, and purple. This tattoo has to have more meaning for me, though, than just because my Honey says it. Let’s face it, ladies; when your Hon’s mad at you, for any reason, does he show much affection till things are back to normal? Hopefully, but… I mean, you hope they obviously still care, but if you’re like me, you still need to hear it sometimes, especially when things aren’t going well. I got this tatt cause he drew it, and, yes, I am a Princess. It’s on my left shoulder, across from my WW.
13. Gothic Girl-A cute little goth girl holding a skull is on the right side of my right leg below my knee. If you know me, do you need further explanation?
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Uniqueness in Writing
All writers, famous or not, have their own style of writing. Maybe “style” isn’t specific enough here. What I mean is every writer has such a specific uniqueness to what they do that one can open up a title-less book, read a couple pages, and say, “Oh yeah, that’s Stephen King, all right,” or whoever it may be. I really hope that somebody does that for my books-if only one person did, I’d consider myself a great author.
So what is this unique style, and how does one get it? Life experiences, likes and dislikes, imagination, the list goes on. I thought I’d just take a couple minutes here and share with you a few things that identify my stuff as being JD Rhode’s. Has anybody noticed:
1. In all of my stories, if whoever goes out to eat, it’s always at IHOP. Why, I don’t know. I love IHOP, but it is not my favorite restaurant. Nonetheless, that’s the place to go.
2. In everything I write, story, poem, whatever, the title is always in the piece. I think this one got started by accident, but once I realized I was doing it, I liked it enough to keep it going.
3. In every story (novel, short, etc) I incorporate the music I like. Now, this one’s very hard to notice because a lot of bands are not known to many people-everybody likes a different genre of music. Here are some examples. “She could still hear what they were doing, even being three doors down the hall”; Three Doors Down, anybody? “Boss gave me a three days grace period to do my project.” Three Days Grace. However, what do I do with the bands I love that have one word names or weird names: The Dreaming, The Cure, ACDC, etc. Fear not guys; you, too, get a plug, although harder to detect. I use a whole line from a song; “Exactly what do you want from me?” she demanded in frustration. “What do You Want” by The Dreaming. Of course for that, you have to be familiar with that same song, or you’ll just read on, but if you do know it… :)
Let’s see…what else do I do? Those are the three biggies, but a magician never tells all her tricks. I guess you’ll just have to get reading. Also, I hope this inspired you to delve into you own little, unique bag of tricks for all of your works of art.
So what is this unique style, and how does one get it? Life experiences, likes and dislikes, imagination, the list goes on. I thought I’d just take a couple minutes here and share with you a few things that identify my stuff as being JD Rhode’s. Has anybody noticed:
1. In all of my stories, if whoever goes out to eat, it’s always at IHOP. Why, I don’t know. I love IHOP, but it is not my favorite restaurant. Nonetheless, that’s the place to go.
2. In everything I write, story, poem, whatever, the title is always in the piece. I think this one got started by accident, but once I realized I was doing it, I liked it enough to keep it going.
3. In every story (novel, short, etc) I incorporate the music I like. Now, this one’s very hard to notice because a lot of bands are not known to many people-everybody likes a different genre of music. Here are some examples. “She could still hear what they were doing, even being three doors down the hall”; Three Doors Down, anybody? “Boss gave me a three days grace period to do my project.” Three Days Grace. However, what do I do with the bands I love that have one word names or weird names: The Dreaming, The Cure, ACDC, etc. Fear not guys; you, too, get a plug, although harder to detect. I use a whole line from a song; “Exactly what do you want from me?” she demanded in frustration. “What do You Want” by The Dreaming. Of course for that, you have to be familiar with that same song, or you’ll just read on, but if you do know it… :)
Let’s see…what else do I do? Those are the three biggies, but a magician never tells all her tricks. I guess you’ll just have to get reading. Also, I hope this inspired you to delve into you own little, unique bag of tricks for all of your works of art.
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