Opening Up

Let’s talk honestly. Maybe some of you know I’ve been clinically depressed since I was 16. I’m in my 30s now, and the only major thing that has happened since then is I made a promise to my friends Gregg and Crystal that I’d no longer physically injure myself. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to sometimes, I just don’t do it anymore.
I wish I could explain my depression, but the truth is sometimes I just can’t. However, the fact is it’s different for everybody who has it, and there are many people who have it. It could be caused from your genes, the environment around you, all sorts of stimuli, a bad relationship, the list goes on. And most people’s depression stems from more than one situation.
I’ve been asked before, “What about pills?” I’ve tried them, and for me, they don’t work. They do at first, but here’s what happens. If I’m stuck in the same environment that caused the problem, than the pills can only do so much before I find myself taking a higher dose to compensate. Then, due to my CP, taking depression pills makes me so spastic, I just cannot function properly. After about 2 ½ weeks, I hate the pills.
I’m a firm believer that anybody can overcome depression-with the right tools. I feel, even if it is genetic, environment and activity play a huge role in recovery. However, in my case, there lies a big problem. I have three degrees from college, I am not a genius, but very smart, and I am not allowed to work because my husband receives gov assist. In the state of TX, if I receive a continuous paycheck, he gets cut off. He works part time. I am bored, my intelligence is wasting away.
Also, I hate the house in which I live. I thank God for it, because I realize I have a house to live in, but it is certainly not where I envision staying till I die. I have a write-up of that in detail-I’ll post it later.
I can’t speak for everybody with depression, but sometimes all I need is for somebody to listen to me. Maybe help me fix the problem, maybe just say a word or two, maybe just listen and not judge. I basically only have two (living) people who I really talk depression to when I need to, like this moment. One I think gets me because they are depressed, too, although they live farther away. The other person lives closer, but does not understand as well and sometimes retorts angry comments like, “It’s your fault”, or “if you didn’t…”
I feel doing so is rude and immature. Depressed or not, nobody likes getting the blame or being talked to negatively. I always thought it was just common sense-if somebody comes to me with any kind of problem, I handle it positively and with love, especially if I know said person has difficulty opening up. Roughly 65-70% of the time I tell person B my troubles, I leave more upset and crying. Why do I go back? IDK.
Also recently, my 6 year old dog, whom I had for that whole 6 years, died from something that was easily preventable. It’s been 2 months, but I’m still very sad. If anybody who reads my blogs, would like to talk to me at any time, I think my contact info is on my profile, and I’d very much appreciate the kind ear.