Only You

How do I begin? This isn’t a poem. The topic I’m bringing up is from my heart and soul. Maybe it will offend somebody, but guess what-one can’t please everybody. If it seems scatter brained, I apologize.

I just drew a blank altogether…

…

There are so many people out there who didn’t start off right-they couldn’t. Maybe a parent was on drugs, maybe a child got beat for nothing. Bullied in school. There are so many situations that drag down good people and make them feel like they don’t exist. I understand. However, the point I will bluntly make is, after a while, the only person doing anything to you is yourself.

It most likely started with somebody telling you you were ugly, or somebody saying you weren’t smart enough. Whatever somebody else said or did, though, you held onto. And now, maybe that person is out of your life, dead, or whatever, but you still want to think you are___. Who are you hurting? Not them.

People make excuses for themselves or others in these hard times: “It isn’t my fault-I was raised around it,” or “She needs the money, and somebody introduced her into it.” Yes, maybe it did start that way, but the cool thing about humans is that we are born with brains in our heads. I hear from enablers-yes, enablers-he/she doesn’t want to do it. No. Anybody who has taken Psychology-or anybody with common sense-knows that if someone finds a situation unpleasurable in any way, they won’t do it (at least for long, if at all). Stop making excuses-you’re not helping anyone.

Without getting too religious, I feel like there is a God. A God who loves you. He wants you to be happy. He gives humans free will, but he understands, in doing so, that may hurt somebody down the line. I believe He puts a teacher, a friend, somebody in our lives who can guide us in a good direction, no matter how bad it started. But no matter how many times this God given angel tries to help you, only you can say, “I am beautiful, I am worth it.” Only you can pull yourself up in the end.

So stop mooching off of these angels. Stop taking pity on yourself, and expecting others to feel sorry for you. Get up, wipe off the dust, and live. Respect others, respect yourself. You are amazing, but only you can tell yourself that.

Untitled Haiku

Someone once told me
"No one would ever love you."
Maybe they were right

Anna Trip: PT 2B

The door opened, and my mom came to greet us. Cool, she made it. I had to change first. The day wasn’t hot, but after sitting in a long, moderately heavy dress for eight hours, I had to change. Sis came in; we left b/friend to talk to our mom. LOL, sorry about that.

We came out, and chatted for a little over an hour. I only get to see my mom about every two years-when I travel to visit her-so I enjoyed it until…

Okay, baby is almost one, and she took her very first steps that particular Saturday. Well, mom said, “Oh, she waited for me to get here to take her first steps.”

Knowing the real situation, which I won’t go into great detail here, however, that upset my sis and me. Then, immediately, she announced she needed to go before it got dark. Okay, unless she made several stops to her 45 min destination, it would not get dark before she got there. I just traveled six hours. And my sis even hardly sees her. Mom claimed she misses her husband, who, thank God, isn’t our dad. So, she left.

Weird, stupid? Should’ve figured.

We ate dinner and talked and had fun. I told sis of my day, and she asked,” Despite being left, which I wouldn’t have done to you, did you have fun?”

I thought only for a second. “Yes, I did.”

We talked about parental units and other stuff till we fell asleep. We were all too tired to watch a movie.

Sunday I’ll run through-I’m tired of typing. We ate breakfast. It looked like it wanted to rain, but I guess it never did. We watched “The Pest”, and I met sis’ dad-in-law. We ate lunch, then I had to go. Six hours, or so, later, I got home to a messy house, which I was actually surprised to see. The end.

Anna Trip: PT 2A

Saturday:

Hollywood woke me at, I don’t even know. I drifted in and out till 8:30 when sis got up. The house was instantly alive! My sis’ hon and baby came in, and we ate eggs and muffins; mmmm. Then my helper came to get me ready and off we went to Scarborough Faire in Waxahachie. What’s Scarborough Faire? Only the most awesome two mile stretch of renaissance fair on Earth! Oh, poor Hollywood baby couldn’t come-I was sad. Also, my niece had her friend’s b-day party to go to.

Another hour and a half drive. Luckily, I bought tickets early. Scarborough Faire: I used to go every year. I miss it. Barely walking through the gates, I had to get a picture.

We walked in awe (as if I don’t know what it looks like) around shops near the entrance. Then, it was time to buy.

Before finalizing my purchase, a loud BANG was no doubt heard for miles! They shoot an actual cannon at 10 a.m. when they open, at 1 p.m., and at 7 for the close. I love the cannon; I don’t know why-when I go, I hope to hear it once. Whether you want a camel ride, a cloak, a turkey on a stick, a book, a painting, jewelry, or any medieval thing in between, there is a shop for it. My girl decided she wanted to get her face painted, so I waited alone nearby.

Well, a couple minutes turned to several, and I didn’t see her or her b/friend anywhere. I got worried, so a few minutes later, I called her cell phone. She picked up, and I said, “Hey, where are you?”

She announced, “We went to see a show.” Way to stick by your client…or at least communicate, I thought. What if I’d like to see it (which I would’ve liked to)? She said, “I’ll call you when it’s over.” At least I had less to worry about…I guess
I forgot the name of the shop I found, but the owner paints a picture on one side of a dual-sided mirror. I have a few pieces from times past, so I had to get more. A lady (customer) saw me looking and came over to talk. We probably talked a good twenty minutes about our interpretations of each design. Then, finally I chose two to buy.

Immediately, the lady said, “I would like to buy one of those for her.”

Aww, how sweet-what a nice person. “Thank you so much! Are you sure?” I had to ask. Thanks, God. She confirmed her stance, we introduced ourselves, wished each other well, and I was on my way.

My phone rang. Helper was right behind me. We hung out for about fifteen mins before she said she wanted to go buy s/thing else. The shop had steps, but in the minute or two that it took me to find the ramp and get in, they were gone…again. What the hell-are they ditching me on purpose? I really wondered. I gave them a couple more mins before calling. I took pics, flirted with some faire guys, and picked up my phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, where are you?” I tried to control myself. “You left me again!” She made some excuse that they looked back, and I was gone, and she asked where I was. I said, “Same place where you claimed you were gonna buy something.” Deep breath, Joey. I was mad.

We found each other again and decided to eat lunch-it was 3 p.m.-ish, after all. Mmm, meatball wraps all around. Ooh, and super pretzel! However, eating didn’t ensure Chick’s good attitude-she ordered money from her man and was gone. We followed but to a point. She hadn’t yet gotten her face painted and still wanted to, but her man and I were not allowed to watch; we were told to go away, so we did.
We stood in line at the Tarot reading shop, but a few minutes turned to several, and neither the psychic nor our girl showed themselves. We got tired of waiting, so very slowly the two of us walked around and took more pictures.

Okay, this part gets slightly fuzzy-I mean, I don’t know who called who first, but she was pissed over the very thing she told us to do-leave. The next-last-35 minutes of our stay there was us trying to find her, her hanging up on us, claiming “we shouldn’t have left her”, her calling her b/friend names that were simply uncalled for and heavily exaggerating situations in her favor. It was ridiculous! She’s not a child; give me a break. It was a whole big, damn deal for the next 2 hours, how we stranded her-wtf? I mean, I know she’s in her 20s, but her poor man! Needless to say, it really angered me, especially since she smarted off to me thinking she was talking to her other half. Crazy bi***. That was the entire ride back to my sis’.

Anna Trip

Friday:
Before I mention anything, I need to make clear that names may be harder to cover up (you know I never say people’s names if I can help it)…

My niece will be one in 2 weeks. I never met her, so all year, I pushed to see her in May. And since my trip taking was so fortunate as of late, I figured, why screw it up? So, I asked my helpers to see who could help me and quickly got a positive answer. She thought her hon would love to go, too.

Well, May 7 came, and Hollywood and I were ready to go by 9 a.m.; I made sure to explain to him how much fun it’d be. Chick wasn’t ready, though, so I thought of something else to do. But then, I waited until 11:30-about 2 hours longer than I would’ve left if I could drive. The joys of being a crip.

So, to make an 8+ hour story somewhat shorter, as that’s how long it took us to make a 6 hour journey, we ate candy, talked, laughed, and stopped for a quick break. Somehow, Abernathy got thrown into the mix again, lol-see Amarillo trip for the gag on that. We got stuck in horrible traffic for a while and were forced to slow from 75mphr-35-40. That sucked, but it was funny to get on the service road to bypass all of it and see a black truck follow our lead. We did it, black truck-way to bend the rules. He was grateful we had the idea. But then someone lost the map and arguing occurred between the drivers. Another map was generated, and we were on our way.

7:30-8 p.m. finally reared its head as we got to my sister’s. It was funny-once in Anna, we got lost again and asked people where to go. The 2 people we asked know my sis. What are the odds?

Even seeing my sis as the door opened made the whole thing worth it-we were instantly happy. (Oh, first, we found a hotel for my drivers, just a few mins away.) I took pics, we ate dinner, and my niece opened the presents I got her. She loves them! Then, sis and I watched “Tiny Toons: How I Spent My Summer Vacation”, always a favorite, talked about our family, children, and God and what He says about respect, equality, relationships, and porn. Then we fell asleep. Hollywood was fine until he saw that the cat walked freely while he had to stay in his crate.

Part two (Saturday) coming up.

Ultimatum

Ultimatum
JD Rhode


You once gave me an ultimatum. You said
"Love me for who I am, or go home."
For years have I loved you, despite it all
but now it's my turn to give the ultimatum-
"Love me for who I am, or leave."
If you don't want to love me, than I know
though the years would have been wasted
there is somebody out there who'd be happy to do just that

Bash

Bash (Me)
JD Rhode

You think you hurt me
You think you’ve won
But all you do when you bash me
Is make me realize you’re an even bigger asshole than I thought
Only now, this time
You brought a child into it
A child that we don’t even have yet
You said I won’t make a good mom-
You agree with those who say I can’t do it
I “can’t even pick up a doll”
That’s why I’m practicing, fucker
And besides
Who are you to talk?
Our dogs don’t even hang around you
I don’t see you practicing on anything
Only bashing me for trying
How dare you bring that into the mix
If that isn’t bad enough
You try to make me feel worse because I ask for help-
While somebody is sitting next to me, no less-
So I don’t have to work quite so hard
Nice try
You didn’t phase me
All you did is make me finally decide
I don’t want kids with you
If that’s how you bash me

The Boy in the Alley

The Boy in the Alley
JD Rhode


It was a nice afternoon, so I decided to walk the puppy. Okay, he hadn’t been a puppy for almost a year, but he is my baby. I opened the garage door, as that’s how I leave the house, and, making sure the Shih Tzu’s purple leash was tight around my arm, we were gone.

I always walk the same trail. I heard it helps your pet be familiar with the area; if he should run away from home, he’ll know how to come back to you. Trust me, it doesn’t work. Anyway, we walked down the peacefully quiet street. It was roughly 4PM.

About twenty three feet from us was the next street, where I usually turn left, but I first noticed the alleyway to my immediate left. To be more precise, I noticed the boy in the alleyway. Dark headed and wearing light clothing, he sat cross-legged with his back to me. He turned, I guess hearing my wheels roll over concrete and pebbles. ‘Hellos’ were exchanged, and my pup and I kept walking.

I wondered who he was, what he was doing, and why he was by himself. The breeze calmed as we made the left onto the next street. The Sun was out of my face, too. That was comforting, however, I knew going home-turning around-would be very bright. Strange things pop in my head at all hours of the day, and I, just for a second or two, entertained the idea that the boy was a ghost. Silly me.

As promised, we headed home, and the Sun would no longer let me ignore it. It wasn’t too bad, though-at least the high temperature was in the seventies. Before straying too far from the scene and getting closer to my driveway, I glanced to my right. The boy of no older than twelve had gone and was nowhere to be seen.

Amarillo Day Trip

Where can I possibly begin? Hmm, I’m still thinking… Those who know me just know that my favorite music band is Stabbing Westward. I heard “What Do I Have To Do?” on the radio in 1996 and was completely awed. Then seeing the video to that and also shortly discovering “Shame”, my 17 year old self thought, Holy crap, that band rocks, and that man is absolutely, perfectly gorgeous! I had to read any review, watch any interview, and promote when I could! I saw them perform twice in Dallas-I begged my brother to take me, and I met my love both times; I was in heaven!

Yes, I’m fully aware that they broke up at the beginning of the new millennium-I cried! Seriously, I did. Well a couple of SW’s members, including Christopher Hall, who, in my now 31 year old self knows I truly love (in a friend way, guys, we’re both married), has made the band The Dreaming.

More electronic stylings than SW but nothing short of an awesome band. If you haven’t heard them, check ‘em here on myspace. You won’t regret it. Anyway, I had to follow my lead singer.

All that back story to get to yesterday, March 14, 2010. Okay, three weeks ago, February whatever that date was, I was on myspace and saw The Dreaming had TX tour dates. I, shockingly, had never been to one of their shows. I browsed, as I always do, the cities where they were coming: Dallas, well, pretty far, but if I could make that, I could also see my sister. Nope, too far on such short notice… Tyler, Houston, San Antonio? What? Nooo *cried* Wait, Amarillo…

I called a friend. She regularly (at least semi) makes the 4 hour trip to see friends there; surely, she’ll see this a dire cause. To make a long story short, she couldn’t help, but another friend and her boyfriend could *Joey did victory dance*

So, 12:30 we were ready to go-we just had to drop Hollywood, my Shih Tzu, off at Jason’s parents’. Thanks for watching him :) The van was loaded with chips, sour candy, soda, and water. We talked and laughed the whole way there, even about words or towns we’ve never heard of, including Abernathy, TX. No offense whatsoever to anybody living there, the name just struck all 4 of us as hilarious. We arrived in Amarillo in 6 hours, but we stopped at a Furr’s Cafeteria on the way. It was awesome!

Okay not to downplay the other bands by any means, Jade Moore and The Wild Bills because they were really crazy cool, but I’m gonna get to The Dreaming; they’re why I came (déjà vu, anyone remember Joey going to Depeche Mode to see their opening band, Stabbing Westward?)

I saw Chris talking to s/one (hope I didn’t interrupt) then turning to walk away, so, me in my “now or (possibly) never” mindset, I simply called, “Chris.” He turned, and I immediately got my hug. I’m a hug person-I love hugs, so that already put me in higher spirits.

It wasn’t over. He indicated that he remembered me (IDK if it was from 12 yrs ago or simply from my facebook pic, but it doesn’t matter). If a band member remembers you out of the thousands of people he/she sees every year, than that shows that person put effort into knowing you just as you did him/her. So awesomeness #2 right there.

I introduced him to Jason, who then told Chris about how we met involving “Save Yourself”, another success of SW’s. Chris thought that rocked. Then he told me to sit up front, and they’d sing to me! I knew they did. Okay, you know when you’re concentrating, and you need a focal point, well, I was one of his, like, 3 FPs.
I’m sorry, I can’t remember every kick ass song they sung, even though I head-banged to all of them, but some were “Bullet”, “Ugly”, “Send Me an Angel”, “Make it Go Away”, “It’s No Good”, and…and last but certainly not least, Chris announced that he was touched by J and me, so they did “Save Yourself”!! OMG, can you believe it? OMG, how cool is that!

After that, despite minor sound issues in the beginning, they weren’t too tired to talk to fans. Both Chris and Carlton thanked us for making the trip. We took pics, I showed them my SW tattoo, more hugs, then goodbyes.

We will definitely have to see them again. Hopefully closer to Midland, though. Truly unforgettable! Thank you so much, Jason, Dreaming, and guys for driving us. Speaking of which, we spent the next 4 hours talking and laughing. We got in bed at five this morning, and, though I’m so tired I’m swaying while typing this and sure I forgot some detail or two (it’s 4 o’clock, and I haven’t had much sleep) it was the best.

Haiku Type Poems

Old stuff (when I was big into writing these)

Biggest Mistake

The biggest mistake
of my life was not hearing
myself tell you no


Monster

What kind of monster
Ignores the hurt of someone
He claims to love most?

Never Look Back

Never Look Back
JD Rhode


Where should I begin? I’d start by saying Dear “Whoever”, but I’m not sure if this is a letter. You know, cutting to the chase, that I dream quite a bit and also that I often-about 80% of the time-remember my dreams. Well, speaking percentages, roughly 75% of those I remember are good, happy dreams.

You know, the ones where you wake up thinking, “God, I wish I didn’t hear that alarm.” That’s me most of the time. I have no physical alarm, just the one in my head that works too well for somebody who has no children.

I dream I can walk. I dream of happier times with my family. I dream of those who I write about. I dream of people or animals who have since passed (or past, IDK which). I dream I’m happy. Even the scary dreams are somehow adventurous and worthwhile.

So, as indicated, only about 25% of dreams I remember are ones in which I’m glad I woke when I did. But the funny, or upsetting, thing about that is most of those dreams now consist of my spouse and I arguing or otherwise not on good terms. Let me say, no dream I have had yet with my spouse in it has been a good, happy dream. Weird, huh.

So, where is this going? The life I lead today is hardly the life I’ve envisioned for myself. Those who know me-I mean, really know me-know my struggle. But what nobody knows yet is that I have recently been given a choice-a gift of sorts: stay in this life that tortures and demeans me so or live forever in my wondrous dream world.

That’s running away, I already hear you think. However, no, it isn’t. My dreams aren’t carefree. They are full of business, chores, intrigue, creativity, love, life, and so much more. They are mysteries just waiting for me to close my eyes and discover them. There, less than here, am I called stupid, worthless, or any other degrading name. I am a queen. So I say, with no regret, shortly I am leaving. I’m taking my savior up on the offer so you just might get that peace and quiet after all. I loved you once, but life, not just my existence, awaits, and I will never look back. Goodbye.

Flash Fiction (50 word) Challenge

I was challenged a while back to participate in a 5o word challenge. It isn't easy, but they are fun to do. Here are my first two:

For the first time, I stood alone. I never thought it’d happen to me; I wasn’t prepared for it. How can that be? I try to always plan ahead. I mean, I can be spontaneous, but for the most part, I’m in control. How could my soul mate have died?

~~~

Final Chance: He sat on the bed with the needle in his arm, just contemplating his life as he felt it drain from his body. He felt power, but, at the same time, ultimate fear and regret flowed through his veins as he prayed to God that his final chance wasn’t this.

First 2010 Update

Hi, everybody. How are you? For those who hadn’t yet heard, this year has kicked off wonderfully. First day of the new year, I made a resolution list, and a few of those things I already put into motion.

Maybe by March, I’ll be a Big Sister-Big Brothers Big Sisters organization. I can’t believe I didn’t apply sooner; I love kids and young people. I can teach them so much and have fun doing it, and I’m sure they’ll teach me a thing or two, too. Then I’m working on an invention, but due to financial upsets, I have to put that on hold, so send $$. Hahaha, j/k, guys. It sucks a bit, but oh well.

I’ve been cooking a bit healthier this year, too, which is number one on my list; not that we’ve eaten unhealthily before, but you know… Next month we’re going to a tattoo convention in San Angelo, just a 2 hour drive, so traveling is already underway. I need to write more, but I always need to do that. Everybody asks me about my sequel-don’t worry, guys, it’s on the list.

The van’s lift has just a couple minute but very fixable issues lately, and I do need to see the dentist next month-ugh. However, those are the only mishaps so far. I hope you guys are doing well.

Resolutions for 2010

Here they are:
1. Eat more healthily (cook more).
2. Improve my silliness.
3. Live long and prosper *holds hand in standard Spock style*
4. Write more stories.
5. Travel
6. Lose weight
7. Get a job.
8. Get published (again).
9. Invent something
10. Make a difference